The Sinkhole/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, guys aren't very good at doing two things at once. That's why you'll never see us simultaneously have dinner and make conversation, or drive and look at a map, or go shopping and smile. When we sit down in our favourite chair, we're there for one of two reasons... Either to read the paper or to watch television. The problem is these days the geniuses who broadcast the shows are always filling up the bottom of the screen with words to distract us. Like weather warnings and urgent news updates and other stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with gilligan's chances of getting off the island. So here's what you do... Get yourself one of these old, top loading vcrs and then duct tape a metal ruler onto the tape loading mechanism. Now the next time my favourite show is rudely interrupted by reality, I just hit the eject button, and I'm back in fantasy land. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. Take a look at this baby, huh? You ever see a bit that long? I can drill holes in the wall without even getting out of my recliner. Man, I love tools. Hi, uncle red! Well, not all tools. We've got a problem. Yeah, we've got a problem. 'cause I was out measuring, you know, with my spirit level, and I realise now that the lodge is out of plum. Indoor plumb or outdoor plum? Both! Yeah, the whole lodge leans a little to the left. Harold, this is canada. Everything leans a little to the left. Yeah, okay, but I think you really -- you gotta do something, though, before it turns into a serious problem. Oh, harold, gee, you know, stop lookin' for things to worry about. Well, you think if you ignore problems, they'll go away. Well, it hasn't worked so far. Uncle red, we are not level. Well, that's because of the way you're holding the thing. If you lie it down on the floor, it'll be perfect. Oh, really? Sure, it'll be fine. Look. You look. Look. Look. Look. See? It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives this coupon from super suck installed vacuum systems for their home liposuction kit, for your mat, your cat and your excess fat. Okay, cover your thingies, dalton. Uh, mr. Green, you have 30 seconds or one-half minute, whichever comes first, to get dalton humphrey to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. And... Go! Okay, dalton, you tell somebody you're gonna do something and you can count on it, that is a... Lie. Okay, remember we saw that girl singer at the amateur show? We all said she showed a lot of... Cleavage. Okay, this is something that your parents always told you to keep your... Pants on. No, okay. Okay. When you and ann marie exchanged marriage vows that was a... Horrible mistake. No, okay, no, I'm saying you married ann marie because she gave you her... Ultimatum. Almost outta time, mr. Green. No, dalton, ann marie vowed to love, honour and obey, and that was a... Fantasy. I promise you that. There we go! Welcome to the expert portion of the show. It's the part of the programme where we examine those three little words men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! It's funny coz it's true. Okay, today's letter goes as follows... "dear experts..." la la la. "my adult son recently moved back home "after quitting a series of unrewarding jobs. "my wife and I are happy to see him "and pleased to help him out. "one question: How long do we have to keep this act up?" well, I figure that letter took three or four days to get here, so I would say your work is done. Well, this fella's boy sounds a bit like my son orville. Oh, yeah? Orville has trouble holding down a job? Orville has trouble holding down a sandwich. He don't have what they call your work "ethnic." work is "obsoletely" foreign to him. A bit lazy, is he, charlie? He don't do enough to be lazy. He's more in the comatose category. Well, you know what I think? You know what I think? I think parents gotta learn to be more patient, you know, because sometimes it takes a while for a child to find himself. Orville's not even lookin' for it. Well, to me, it starts with getting a job, because once you make an income, the guy can start to find his own way. That's kinda what I did. Really? What job was that? I don't remember you ever having a job. Well, I married bernice, harold. That's a vocation with no vacation. Well, I wouldn't mind so much if the young people would at least help out a little bit after they move back home. I mean real help, not what orville does, sittin' around all day in his underwear, saying that's his way of cutting down on the laundry. Valeda's church group finds it terribly distracting. And it can't be good for the house plants. Oh! Oh! I have an idea! Why not send him here to the lodge? Yeah. Because there's always things around here that need fixing and apologizing for. Okay, charlie, I think what harold means is that if orville comes here to the lodge, then harold would go and stay with you. Are you familiar with the expression fair exchange? Are you familiar with the expression, not a snowball's chance in hell? Well, see, there's your answer. Make the best of the orville you have, because there could be a harold right around the corner. You know, marriage is a compromise. If you're married, you're compromised. So you end up making deals. You know, trade-offs. Like in my case, for every ten vehicles I bring home, my wife is allowed to renovate the kitchen. On the plus side, bernice says I can use all this old stuff to build anything I want, as long as you can't see it from the street. So I'm thinkin' if I could use the discarded appliances and what have you to customize one of the vehicles that caused the problem in the first place, hey, that's the closest a guy like me ever gets to winning. And the best part about renovating your vehicle with kitchen fixtures is you're only limited by your own imagination. [ snoring ] okay, let's say you need to replace the old hood ornament because the original one was stolen, or maybe it broke off. Maybe when you went for supper at bozo's fast food drive-thru and you caught the hood ornament in one of the clown's nostrils. Who hasn't done that? Okay, so if you're a buick man, you might wanna go with something tall and thin, like this meat thermometer. Personally, I've always wanted to drive a jag. So I stuck the old kitchen faucet on there, because if I ever do buy a jag, I'll be tapped out. Of course, now, the faucet doesn't run. But hey, it's a jaguar. Next I wanna jazz up my old rims with something stylish, something unique. I'm thinkin' stove top elements. The only way this baby'll ever burn rubber. Now, at the back of the car you've got a couple of options. If you're a young, rich kid, you're probably spoiled. You're gonna wanna have a spoiler. How about the oven hood, huh? The beauty there is, if your car burns oil, you can always turn on the exhaust fan. Or maybe you're into the whole retro nostalgia craze. Well, then maybe you need a rumble seat. Okay, you might wanna test these first with some kind of balust to make sure they don't fall off at high speed. Harold! I've gone ahead and replaced the door that sticks on my glove compartment. In fact I replaced the whole compartment with this easy to open bread box. I've also expanded my car's beverage holding capacity with this tray from my dishwasher. How many doughnuts can you get in your cup holder? And that's not a euphemism. Oh, and one more thing... The next time you get pulled over, and you will get pulled over, no more fumbling around in your wallet for you license and registration. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should -- oh, I almost forgot. You ever wanted a tinted window? Well, guess what? If you've got an oven door, you got one. Looks pretty hot, doesn't it? Not the first time I've driven a hot car. Wanna talk to you older guys about not being the center of attention anymore, not at work, not at home, not even at the police station. And we were right there, weren't we, huh? I mean, music, tv, movies, literature, it all revolved around us, because we were the baby boomers, huh? Well, baby, we boomed. And it's a tough adjustment when the advertisers don't care about you anymore. Especially after we did our part, buying the pet rocks and the patty stackers and all those abba albums. Well, I'm bettin' you can hear the drums, fernando, 'cause there are 50 million new kids in town and we're hanging on by the skin of our dentures. Okay, so pop culture has passed us by. So what? We're not old; we're classic. We're retro. We're so out we're in. Let madison avenue just barrel on outta sight. They've moved on to the next generation, well, so have we. Now that our kids have kids, we have something better than pop culture, we got grandpop culture. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] you know, there are a lot of ways to get rich, but most of them involve hard work and perseverance. Where's the fun in that? But if you're lazy enough, you can find another path to wealth. What if you could get one appliance to do the job of two? Huh? Wouldn't that save you money? Which is the same as being rich... Sort of. Okay, here we have a fresh load of laundry, which is now supposed to go into an expensive dryer. But I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna put it into this old fish net. Oh, sure, it's not strong enough to hold perch or pickerel anymore, but I think it can handle a load of frillies. Now watch and learn how the experienced fisherman can turn a washer into a dryer. [ applause ] [ red huffing and puffing ] well, the lodge is sinking fast. People have been saying that for years. I tell you, it's really cutting into the beer consumption because you get the glass half full, she starts spilling right over the side. Uncle red. Uncle red. You okay? You all right? Yeah, okay. Okay. There we go. I got the quote from flinty mcclintock. He says he can jack the lodge back up for $37,000. $37,000! He's jackin' up more than the lodge! Well, what do you wanna do? Oh, man, harold. You know, it's not that bad. You take off one shoe, you lean a little. You know, it's not bad. All these years, I thought that bear was dead. How did this happen, harold? Well, obviously the land under the lodge is too soft to support the lodge itself. Well, is that the lodge's fault, or is that the ground's fault? It's your fault. Possum lodge has like 100 years of environmental infractions against it. You know, finally it's caused a big pocket of air or gas or something underneath the lodge, and now, you know, it's sinking. Harold, you know, when I ask you a question, I wanna hear good news, not the truth. No, no! I'm not giving up. I'm gonna find some way to straighten the lodge. What are you gonna do with that? I dunno. I just think better when I'm drillin' holes. [ applause ] red: We were cleanin' up some leaves out behind the lodge. You know, just kinda fillin' in on a Saturday there. And the thing with leaves is you gotta pick your spot. And dalton was over in my area, so I pushed him away a bit, and then he decided to move into winston's area, and winston thought instead of raking them off the lawn he'd skip the middle man and go right into the tree for the leaves. And he hooked onto an old beehive there. Down she comes, and we're -- we hear a buzz, but you know, I'm thinkin', that buzz is not comin' from the bee -- that beehive is dead. There's a buzz comin' from somewhere else. And then we realise what it is. It's walter with one of those gas powered leaf blower things. And he goes over to the hive. It flies through the air, right in -- well, now we get an idea, see. Something like broom ball, except called "vroom" ball. Get the gas powered leaf blowers. Got a goal at each end. And walter and dalton are on the one team, winston and I are on the other team. So it's vroom ball night in canada and drop the hive and away we go. And walter, a little questionable play there. He takes off and he's headin' for -- winston's there and -- defence, defence, defence. Illegal! That's high sticking. And down he goes. And then dalton and I are takin' -- what I noticed, I had the deluxe unit, which had not only the blow setting on it, but also had the suck setting, so it's great for defence. And.. It just... Now I switch her over to blow and fire away off winston's hat. We got a goal! [ chuckling ] hey, hey, hey. That's unsportsmanlike conduct. Two minutes. Oh, boy. Ah, you ol' blowhard. [ applause ] you know, painting the outside of your house is a job that can ruin your summer or your marriage or both. Eats up your free time and it requires a lot of work. And if you're like me, you like to have a lot of the first and pretty much none of the second. Oh, sure, I suppose you could pay somebody to paint your house. But if you're watchin' this show, you're probably more of a self-serve gas kind of guy. So here are a few ways to actually make this job enjoyable. Just don't let your wife know you're having a good time. If she wanted you to have fun, she would never have married you. [ applause ] well, I was out drilling holes in the big pine tree out behind the lodge there, and that's when it hit me. I mean, we're trying to jack up the lodge from underneath, but we could also pull it up from on top. So I look up and I see a great big branch coming off that very same tree, I mean, that goes right over the peak of the roof. I remember my Sunday school teacher saying, you always look for signs from up above, and so far it had only been pigeon droppings. Okay, uncle red, I got it -- you all right? Not a problem. Easy. Easy. Easy. I got the rope all tied around the tree branch. Now, if I knew what you were doing, would I like it any better? Probably not, harold. Okay, I don't wanna know what you're doing then. Well, see, I've got a heavy duty boat winch here attached to the main post that holds up the lodge here. I don't wanna know! ♪ la-la-la-la ♪ then I ran the rope up around the tree branch and so I can actually pull the lodge up just by turning the crank. And you think that post is gonna take all that stress? [ chuckling ] couldn't resist putti'' your two cents in, eh, harold? You may be a man yet, you know that? Harold, this post has been holding the lodge up for a lot of years. It's not goin' anywhere. I don't think it's strong enough. No, I think it's good. I think it's fine, harold. Well, I say no. Thank you, harold. No, I'm still saying no, uncle red. No, I think it's good. That post is gonna break! I don't think so, harold. See? You're dead wrong. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll be right down. Um, if my wife is watchin', um, I'll be comin' home a bit later tonight. You know how you always wanted someone to level the lodge? Well, as always, I think I'm your man. And to the rest of you, thanks for watchin'. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down now. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change if I have to, I guess. Now, men, I've been thinkin'. Men: Uh-oh! No, no, see the problem here is the reason the lodge is slanted is because we got some trapped air or gas under the one side. And that of course is the high side. We're trying to jack up the low side to match the high side. Well, that's dumb. I figure if we can drill a hole in the floor, we can relieve the pressure, see, and that'll drop the high side right down to the low side and we'll be golden. [ men coughing ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com